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By Chris @ MDR

4 Reasons Why You Lose Friends After a Divorce

There are many reasons why you may lose friends after getting a divorce but I am only going to cover four of them. It can be heartbreaking for you and very uncomfortable for the friends who feel they have to make a decision on whether to remain friends or not. After a divorce you count on your friends more than ever for support. Unfortunately for your friends this could mean having to take sides which is something they might not want to do.
More than likely the friends you had before marriage will still stick by you but the mutual friends that you made with your partner will either want to remain neutral or choose which partner they wish to remain friends with.

Whatever the outcome it is a situation that needs to be handled very carefully by all parties concerned.

Friends who were ‘adopted’:

These are friends that you inherit when you marry your spouse. While the two of you are happily married they are probably quite content to stick around. After a divorce their feelings and intentions may change so avoiding you may be their only option. Never try to force the issue as they need to make up their own minds on whether they still want to be a part of your life or not. If the answer is yes they were worth having in the first place but if it is no then you are better off without them. They were probably more loyal to your spouse than to you anyway.

Statistics that cause concern:

Sometimes people can be unduly influenced by statistics. What I mean by that is your married friends will be quite happy with the status quo as it is but if you and your spouse decide to get a divorce they may feel if the stay around then it could happen to them too. They may prefer to be around couples that still have a stable marriage. As silly as it sounds research has shown that it does happen. People that intend not to think very logically liken divorce to a contagious disease that can jump from one couple to another. If their friends are getting a divorce then it could happen to them.

Handling the breakup in a destructive way:

If all the decisions you are making are continually negative that can cause a lot of stress for you and the people around you. Sometimes friends even best friends will say enough is enough and just walk away. Nobody would expect you to be a walking positive advertisement for broken relationships but the way you handle it can have a huge effect on your health and the way other people relate to you. If you feel that the path you are on seems to be spiraling out of control reach out and accept some help, that could be from professionals or just people that you completely trust. No-one is an island. You can’t do it on your own.

Friends that may see you as a threat:

If the breakup of your marriage was due to infidelity on your part. Your friends may perceive this as an ongoing threat. Their reaction to this is not unusual. They may want to distant themselves in case one of their spouses could be your next target.

After all if you can do that your spouse then a friend might not be off limits either.

If you do lose some friends don’t let it worry you too much because it may not even be about you it may be about their own insecurities. True loyal friends will always be there for you no matter what.  Focus your attention on them and to how you are going to move forward in the future.

By Chris @ MDR

Bad Decisions That Can Lead to Divorce Proceedings

One of the hardest jobs in the world is working to keep your marriage alive and kicking. Before you marry and after the happy day you look at everything through rose tinted glasses. You are so sure that now you have said “ I Do “ you are going to go on this magical journey with the love of your life. But unfortunately life doesn’t work that way in the real world. Over time people can change and the happy life you envisaged has now started to fall apart.

Children come along and your relationship starts heading in a different direction to what you dreamed of when you first got married. Financial problems lead to disagreements and conflict which can impact on the whole family.

Unrealistic expectations:

Changes are part of life that happens to everyone and these changes have to be accepted. Nothing stays the same forever. So if you have the expectation that your partner is going to be the same as the day you got married you are heading for disaster. If you imagined that you would never fight, that your children are perfect and that the romance will last forever then you are still wearing those rose tinted glasses. Marriage is always a work in progress and you need to see things as they really are.

Becoming too comfortable with your partner:

Has the intimacy started to suffer in your marriage. Are you beginning to act more like friends than a married couple. If the answer is yes you are heading down the road to divorce unless you take a step back and see the problem for what it is. If the romance has gone out of your marriage then you need to get it back and talking about it with your partner is the first step. The butterflies may have gone but the love and respect should still be there. Talk to each other and come up with some ideas on how to put that spark back into your marriage.

Bad financial decisions:

Money can be the root of all evil but managed properly it can give you a comfortable life and security. If one partner is spending more than is necessary and the money coming in is not enough to cover bills and other essentials like food and the children’s school uniforms this is going to cause a lot of arguments that can lead to resentment and frustration on the part of the partner that is earning the money. You also may have secret debt like a credit card that your partner knows nothing about because of a refusal to give you enough money to cover your expenses. All these problems need to be addressed or you may find divorce is beckoning.

Communication problems:

This can happen if one partner has a different perspective on how to handle issues than the other partner. Being afraid to confront the problems could be because one partner has a short temper and you feel like you are always walking on eggshells and you don’t want to enflame the situation any more than is needed. Either way this lack of communication can lead to problems that may become insurmountable and no matter what you do it could already be too little too late. Divorce is could be waiting in the wings.

By Chris @ MDR

Common Misconceptions Around Divorce

If you divorce you will be alone forever. The older you are the less likely you will never find someone else to share your life with and you can never be in the same place at the same time as your ex partner. Your life will be one of misery and loneliness.

How often have we heard these old wives tales without one shred of evidence to show that these situations actually happen. Let’s go into them a little more in depth below.

Being alone forever:

Being over 40 and contemplating a divorce no-one will want to be with you again and you will end up old and alone. Is this reason enough for you to stay in a loveless marriage. Chances are you are probably feeling very alone right now. Trying to start a new life can be a very daunting task and you will have worries and doubts about what may happen in the future. These days there are so many options where you can meet new people and start new friendships and who knows the love of your life could be among them. Being older is not a barrier, you are more settled and wiser in the ways of the world and this is an absolute positive not a negative.

Living together before marriage:

This is a very misleading judgement. There are those who swear that living together first is a precursor for a long and happy marriage. The logic there is that you get to know a person and their habits a lot better and so will be more able to determine whether you can live with each other in harmony. Then there is the other school of thought where living apart before marriage enhances the expectations and excitement about going into the unknown and you have the fun of getting to know each other as you go along. There is no right or wrong in these theories. It comes down to the individual and what feels right for them.

Loneliness and misery:

Life is what you make it not what someone tells you may or may not happen. If you are convinced that after divorce you won’t find anyone else to share your life with then more than likely that will become true. Negative thinking does nothing for your state of mind after a divorce. All it does is validate all these misconceptions that are out there. On the other hand a good positive attitude will open many more doors for you to explore all the never ending adventures that are out there. You will only be alone and miserable if you choose to live that way. It all comes down to the choices that you make. Divorce is not the end of the world.

Property entitlement:

This is getting into the more legal aspects of a divorce but there are some common facts that apply. Before you buy a house you need to do some research on the matrimonial act and what it entails. For instance if the property is not in joint names and only one person’s name is on the title then that is not legally communal property even though you bought it together. The name that is on the title is the legal owner. Always make sure the title is in joint names and don’t settle for anything less. If in the future you do divorce then half of the value of the house is yours regardless of who made the payments.

Divorce is a two way street:

As in any arguments or conflict it takes two people to be involved. Whatever issues that have led to divorce the blame must be shared. It is not just one person’s fault. All you can do is learn from mistakes that are made on both sides and don’t let divorce define you as a person.